1) Join a gym.
2) Give up smoking.
3) Get a life.
4) Write more.
5) Stop drinking (as much)!
6) Stop correcting grammatical mistakes.
7) Start a blog and keep it going.

These resolutions are pretty much the same every year. Apart from the first one. I never really saw the appeal of a gym. Now that I’ve joined one I still don’t see the appeal of them. Other than the fact that there are some rather attractive ladies that frequent gyms there are also a large proportion of truly huge blokes that have memberships as well. Although I’ve lost a fair amount of weight in the last 12 months (who says you can’t take something positive from the end of a marriage and depression bordering on suicide?) it has served only to emphasise the fact that I have the upper body strength of an eight year old girl with bulimia. I would probably lose an arm wrestling contest with Stephen Hawking. These are not embellishments. But join I did, and for the privilege of having £40 per month whipped out of my bank account I can now put myself through so much trauma that I have trouble doing something as simple as getting off the toilet.

I used to be double jointed in my arms. At least; I thought that I was double jointed. It turns out that the reason I could bend my arms backwards was because I didn’t have enough (any) muscle in my biceps to stop them from going that far.

As for the other resolutions… I’m smoking as I write this; getting a life is an ongoing and troublesome ambition as people are generally annoying; I’ve not written anything so far this year; the drinking seems to be successful so far, but it’s only been 10 days; I have corrected only one person this year and that was a pre-conditioned response to someone saying “innit”.

Then there’s the blog. This is the first post. It is not unlike the first posts that I have written before but, hopefully, it will be the last. Since I can talk at an Olympic level whenever the need arises (and often when it doesn’t) this shouldn’t be too much of a problem for me. But then again I have tried and failed before.

Should everything go to plan I will be regaling you all (at this point – no one) with my geekly opinions on TV shows, films, books and comics. I shall probably go on about my amazing kids so much that it becomes annoying (they’re REALLY cool, you understand). I will probably not talk about fashion or reality TV. I will, most likely, go on about shit that annoys me. There’s a lot of shit that annoys me. Old people in particular.

To be continued (after I pick the kids up from school, make their tea, take my daughter to Rainbows and ship them back to their mother).

Thanks for reading,

Owen

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