Tattoo Fails: Literacy is Important, Folks!

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A general rule of thumb is that, if you’re getting a tattoo, it might be an idea to make sure that  it’s correctly spelled. Some might say I take my grammar and literacy obsession a little too seriously but, really, you want to have someone like me read your prospective ink before you go under the needle.

1) Take this lovely bit of ink, which should be in the dictionary under “irony”.

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2) How? How could this happen?

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3) How many times did this guy look at his arm and think “something’s just not right here…”

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4) Oh, dear. How much mocking would this fellow get from the other bikers?

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5) I’m really hoping that all of these were done by amateurs using an ebay purchased set, because if they were done by a professional I despair for humanity.

 

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6) See? See? This is why I go on about people learning how to use a freakin’ apostrophe!

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7) Another contender for the most ironic tattoo of the decade.

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8) Spellcheck would’ve passed this. Silly computers.

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9) I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the artwork here, but how the ever-loving needle-gods did so many mistakes make it into one piece?

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10) I get the feeling that if I were more romantic this would be quite a deep statement. As it is, it just makes me smile.

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11) Oh yeah, baby! “Your” a baddass.

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12) Another one of those “how did it happen?” tatt’s.

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13) Not a literacy or grammar error. I just think it’s funny.

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So, people: Learn the lesson of thorough checks on whatever ink you might decide to get.

Iron Man 3 Trailer

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“I’m Tony Stark… I build neat stuff… I got a great girl… And, occasionally, save the world… So why can’t I sleep?”

What’s not to love about the trailers that have come out for the next Iron Man movie? I adored the first film, but the second completely lost the plot. This one looks to be completely back on form and has got my Iron Man love back in full gear.

The best bit is definitely the last 15 seconds of the trailer: “Here’s my boys…”

 

 

The movie is co-written and directed by Shane Black, who is behind some of my favourite action movies: Lethal Weapon, The Long Kiss Goodnight, The Last Boy Scout and Last Action Hero. 

Hated Movies

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Here’s the thing: I don’t know if this little “quirk” is endemic to geeks in general or if it’s just me. I hope that my friends and fellow geeks do the same thing, but this might be one of those times where I make a bizarre observational gag about something that everyone can relate to, only to find that it’s just my warped head and everyone looks at me like I’m just a tiny bit sick in the head.

There are films that I completely, utterly and eternally hate. Everyone has those films that they watch and despise and, I guess for most people, that’s where it ends.With me, however, I will re-watch the hated movie again just to remind myself of why I hate it so much. A few years later I’ll watch it again. Even though I know that it’s shit I will load up the DVD player, plug in a USB stick or watch it on the telly. If I see a film that I particularly hate in the schedules and it’s on late or I’m at work I’ll set it to record so I can vent my venom in my free time.

Sparking this particular post was Terminator Salvation, which was on a few days ago. Utterly, utterly, shit movie. Beyond bad. I’d struggle to find a single redeeming feature. It’s got a stupid fucking plot, bad acting, terrible writing, too many quotes from the originals, a CGI Ah-nolt, shit casting and bastard mother-fucking Terminator bikes! But the main problem I have? The thing that truly revolts me about this movie? How come, in a film called “Terminator“, no one dies? In the first couple of films people were getting blown to shit all over the place. Here the Terminators look like they’ve been given intense training by the Stormtroopers from the Star Wars movies – they can’t hit shit!

I summed it up in this Tweet:

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I lasted about 5 minutes after that Tweet before I had to turn it off. The only alternative was to put my foot through the telly. But I already knew that I hated the movie! I watched it knowing that I would end up ranting about it. Twitter and Facebook are great tools for the whole social networking thing, and created purely for bitching about things that annoy you.

 

 

There are others that I watch, knowing that I am going to get the same result. I’ve tried to watch the first Twilight movie at least three or four times. I get a little further each time and if things go as they have done I’ll have watched the entire movie by about 2023. The furthest I have gotten is to the ‘sparkly’ bit, which caused me to scream at the telly-box and spend the next week muttering “vampires do not sparkle!” How the ever loving fuck did this film spawn a best-selling series (other than the fact there wasn’t a Harry Potter movie out that year)?

This trailer is well worth watching, if you tend to skip this sort of thing.

 

 

When I think about it there are plenty of films that I watch which I hate: The Star Wars prequels; Transformers: Revenge of the FallenSuperman IV: The Quest for Peace; Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull; Catwoman. All of them (and more) are terrible movies and, if they’re on the telly I’ll sit my arse down and shout at the screen for a couple of hours.

So… why do I do it? Why do I voluntarily put myself through the agony that is Aliens Vs Predator? I could be watching Serenity or Memento. I could be re-watching Fringe or plowing my way through Breaking Bad. Instead I verbally abuse an empty room, curse George Lucas and wonder how Keanu Reeves continues to have a career.

 

 

The first Matrix movie was a lot of fun, but the sequels make as much sense as a fight between a Womble and a Vampire. The thing that makes me feel dirty is that, after watching the above trailer, I know that I am now going to watch the movie again. I own the DVD. It’s there, waiting for me. Even though I know the fight between Neo and 500 Agent Smith’s looks like something out of Shrek I will pour myself a glass of wine and slowly shake my head for the running time.

Do I do it because I want to learn how to NOT make a movie? Do I do it so that I can appreciate the good films out there? Is it a storytelling exercise where I am learning how structure, plot and theme can go wrong? I haven’t got a clue but I know that, after writing this little blog post, I’ve got a months worth of bad films to get through and no option but to watch them.

Evil Dead (2013) trailer

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I didn’t know what to think after hearing that they were remaking The Evil Dead. The original, and its sequels, are such classics that I couldn’t fathom why they’d remake them. After watching the trailer, however, I think it looks like it’s going to be outstanding.

It lacks the humour of the original, but that might just be the choice of the producers to focus on the horror aspect here. After Cabin in the Woods I expect great things from this: An old school horror movie with just balls to the wall scares. The kind of thing that I can show my 11 year old son if I want him to grow up slightly deranged.

Man of Steel trailer

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Is it going to be good? Is it going to be shit? Am I going to walk out of the cinema as I did after Superman Returns really WANTING to like the film but just finding that I couldn’t? I’ll have to wait until June 2014 to find out but the trailer gives me enough to rant about.

Superman has been my favourite comic book character for as long as I can remember. This probably explains why I have my kids names in Kryptonian on my forearms. Christopher Reeve IS Superman for me. I loved the first three seasons of Lois & Clark. I think that the DC Animated versions of the character are great and I tried my best to get along with Smallville but in the end I have to admit that I didn’t really like it that much.

The one thing that strikes me about Superman is that he’s an icon – an ideal. I don’t mean in the real world; I’m talking about the world of DC Comics. Batman is not an icon – he’s a guy that hides in the shadows dishing out justice. He wears a mask and the outfit to hide from the world. Superman is the opposite of this (it’s why the two characters work so well together when they team up). He doesn’t hide from the people, nor wear a mask. His costume is made up of bright, primary colours so that he can be seen instantly – it makes him a target for his enemies and draws the attention away from innocent civilians. People tend to ask why no one spots that Clark Kent and Superman are the same person. If you wear a mask they think that you’re hiding your identity. With Superman the assumption would be that he would be “on the job” 24 hours a day.

The Christopher Nolan Batman movies have a lot to answer for in this trailer. Batman is a sombre, depressed character. Superman is not. After watching the trailer countless times it’s about the only thing that continues to niggle at me. The costume is too dark – the same complaint I had with Superman Returns. I can live with the new detail on the costume – in this world of Hi-Def, 3D Imax screens plain blue and red just ain’t gonna cut it. But why does it have to be such a dark blue?

To be honest he just looks… so… depressed. I understand this is a modern take on the character, which is what’s needed, but why does ‘modern’ mean dark and moody? The new interpretation of Pa Kent looks interesting, the special effects look awesome and I am oh so glad that there doesn’t appear to be a sign of Lex Luthor.

Quite why they’re doing ANOTHER origin story is a bit beyond me, but it’s worked for Nolan in the past. I have my reservations on what tone the film’s going to have but, like the first “depressed emo” trailer for The Amazing Spider-Man I have high hopes that the actual film will be completely different to this.

However: Where the fuck is Mild Mannered Reporter Clark Kent in this trailer?

A Good Day to Die Hard

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I was never aware as a child that Bruce Willis was known as a comedy actor. My mum used to watch Moonlighting but I don’t recall her ever allowing me to see it. My first exposure to Mr Willis was in the original Die Hard movie. This was back in the day when a 14 year old kid could walk into HMV and buy an 18 certificate video without anyone batting an eyelid.

Die Hard came out 25 years ago. Please excuse me for a moment whilst I go and sob in the corner of the room for my lost youth.

Right, on we go. Die Hard was followed in 1990 by Die Harder, which wasn’t very good but they still managed to make a third film in 1995: Die Hard with a Vengeance which, really was meant to be the end of it. It was also my favourite of the series. I LOVE the original, but I could watch the third movie over and over again. Samuel L Jackson and Mr Willis are an awesome team and the film is full of quotable lines. At this point McClane is no longer the ‘normal cop in extraordinary circumstances’ from the first two movies, but he’s also not the superhero of the fourth movie, Live Free or Die Hard, which came out in 2007. It’s a fun movie, but McClane is nothing short of unkillable in it.

Which brings us to the new movie; A Good Day to Die Hard. Every time I hear / read the title I can’t help but imagine Michael Dorn in Star Trek: First Contact: “Perhaps today IS a good day to die”, but that probably wasn’t the intention of the producers.

In this McClane is now retired (well, he is 57 and deserves a bit of a rest after the same shit happening to the same guy 5 times) and travels to Russia to save his son, Jack, who has been arrested for a assassination.

The trailer has some awful dialogue: “You know what I hate about Americans? Everything” BUT it has some good lines too; “You don’t look like a lawyer” and Jai Courtney appears to be a good choice to play McClane’s son with his deadpan “Don’t encourage him” echoing Mr Willis’ straight faced quipping over the last 2 1/2 decades.

Rather than the realism of the first 2 movies, where McClane always looked like he was two steps away from getting killed, this will, inevitably, take the insanity of the fourth film and ramp it up to extreme levels. We live in a world where the next film in an action series always has to be BIGGER with MORE EXPLOSIONS and EXTREME CAR CHASES, although how they’re going to top the semi-trailer versus the fighter jet from the last one is anyone’s guess.

But the Die Hard movies have evolved from what they once were, and the new movie looks like fun. Mr Willis is still one of my favourite actors and he obviously loves playing the character. With another film in the planning we haven’t seen the end of McClane yet and the trailer definitely makes me want to watch it.

You Might be a Geek if…

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  1. You get excited by the prospect of the finale to a TV show and plan to get up in the middle of the night to watch the simulcast.
  2. You genuinely believe that you’re cool because of your extensive wardrobe of comic book t shirts.
  3. You can name every Captain there has been of the Starship Enterprise, but struggle with the names of family members.
  4. You think movie posters are underrated as modern art.
  5. Bazinga!
  6. Even your children think you’ve watch Star Wars too many times.
  7. You speak to you friends more via the internet rather in ‘real life’.
  8. You have used “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means” in an actual conversation.
  9. You can have an actual argument about The Prequels.
  10. You know what ‘The Prequels’ means.
  11. You know Buffy’s middle name, and it makes you smirk.
  12. You cried when Spock died in The Wrath of Khan.
  13. You learned everything you need in life from Sam Beckett, Jim Kirk, The Doctor and Batman.
  14. You read the book before the movie was even made.
  15. You complain that a movie wasn’t faithful enough to the source material.
  16. You complain that a movie was too faithful to the source material.
  17. When you read an article about “Spiderman” you feel the urge to write a stern letter to point out the mistake.
  18. You assume Trekkers don’t hike.
  19. You donated money to the Elite Kickstarter campaign, rather than to help starving African children.
  20. You spent hundreds of pounds on a new PC because your old PC wasn’t quick enough to play a game that cost you £30.
  21. You feel jilted by your love interest in Mass Effect.
  22. You can spend the better part of an evening debating which order to watch the Terminator movies in.
  23. As above, but with the Indiana Jones movies.
  24. You can spend an enjoyable couple of hours looking up obscure entries in the Doctor Who Encyclopedia.
  25. You have a blog dedicated to how geeky you are.

Thanks for assistance must go to the following people: Ollie Pietruch, Nick Reeve, Helena Hancock, Russ Whitfield, Troo Topham, Alex Cook, Liam Barrett & Lee Medcalf.

There will, more than likely, be a part 2…

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